Birth as a Core Memory
Most conversations about birth focus on the ideas of pain and complications. This is where the hospital and your OBGYN usually center their care. However, I want to center the conversation around what would help you feel both comfort and pleasure.
This is your moment. Your birth. Your experience. What would you do if you could do anything during birth? Who would be by your side? Where would you be? What would your environment look like? How would your team talk to you? How would they support you?
What helps you feel strong?
You should feel safe, strong, and supported through birth. It is your human right. This is not a far fetched idea. This shouldn’t sound like a pie in the sky notion. However, many (if not most) people giving birth within our hospital system do not feel like they’ve been properly supported.
In our culture we’ve reached a point of understanding – at least starting to understand – the power that core memories have in our lives. Core memories lay the foundational framework of our inner world; they shape who we are as people. They shape our sense of self-worth, our sense of power, and the way in which we move through the world.
The birth of your child is a core memory. This is a memory that forever lives in the deepest part of you and shapes how you live your life.
Giving birth is a potent moment, a moment filled with power and transformation. If this moment is treated with deep love, deep care, and deep respect, it has the potential to not only heal old wounds but to allow the birthing mother to connect deeply with her innate strength.
As a culture, we do not know how to hold space for people going through difficult or transformational moments. We try as a culture to ignore the importance of significant life moments. We do not treat rites of passage with the care and acknowledgement that they deserve.
I would argue that we are immature when it comes to caring for people during critical moments in their lives. We just don’t get it as a culture. We don’t understand how to show up fully for another person during a moment of importance. We don’t know how to let go of our personal agendas, storylines, and lives – to simply be present for another person while they experience a moment of transformation.
The work of doula work is precisely this kind of work. We hold space for pregnant people so that they can feel safe enough to do the important work of transformation. Our culture overvalues “doing something” and undervalues simply being present for someone. It’s the showing up and the listening that counts.
I do not know why exactly, but when we are going through transformational moments in our lives it is important to be well cared for, seen, heard, and held. Doulas do a lot; whether it is bedside education and advocacy, assisting in comfort measures, or helping partners provide support. But the most important work that we do is seeing, hearing, and holding the laboring person.